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AIIEEEE
2002-09-18 ::: 1:14 a.m.
hmph. I was totally in the mood to write today, but for some reason, I could not, for the life of me, think of anything to write. I had the notebook ready, the pen ready and everything. then Via called, and i told her aobut it. She said something about writing about a car wash. Now, don't get me wrong, this next event had NO corelation to Via or her suggestion, but at the moment she said car wash, something clicked off inside my head and i just stopped. it died. deep inside of me, the power went out. and it had NOTHING to do with her or anything. it was just some strange stimulus.I'm so disappointed in myself. I can't remember the last time I wrote anything of any quality. well, the journal entry about lazarus..... anyway.. it's so frustrating; and it got me thinking just now; i have a LARGE list of things that i need to do...ew. i hate lists of that nature. but, somehow, i always make them in my head and it just reminds me of how i'm constantly screwing up and never living up to my own expectations, let alone the expectations of my parents... (a whole other can of worms that doesn't need to be disturbed) so here goes. i need to: read more/write more/sleep regularly/clean my room/ eat right/exercise/love/lyrics!/sing better/finish things i start/spend more time outside (off the computer)/be more responsible/act my age (last two are basically same)/save my money/ fuck. <(that's not part of the list) that's just a quick list while i'm sitting here. this is the kind of shit that is constantly circling inside my head. shit.... and poor via was sick. it hurt to see her suffer. i just wanted to switch. i wish i could just physically reach into her, take out the pain, and implant it into myself. i mean, hell, i don't mind suffering every now and again, especially if it means that someone else (her especially) wouldn't hurt. I mean, honestly, a little suffering never did much to me. I suffer every time i open my eyes in the morning. I hate that. why must SHE suffer? She should never have to suffer. EVER. (wow, this is quite an entry (length)) end transmission.
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